Apathetic Deception

I feel it seeping in
as if it's trying to take over;
I want to live a stainless life
but I push conviction over.
I say I want to live for You,
my days a sacrifice;
but the world, she sneers and laughs at me-
works to seductively entice.

Bathing in deception,
Swimming in an ocean of lies;
Meaningless propriety,
Dressed in glitter disguise.
A sense and feeling of power,
As if I rule it all;
I’m VIP- move over,
As my morals start to fall.
Wish I could describe it as a battle,
As if I want to fight and win it;
But though a conscience in existence,
I’m remaining apathetic.

In it, but not of it-
Is that how I’m supposed to live?
How can I hate it, if I love it?
Feel like something’s gotta give.
Seems twisted and confusing
This reality we live in.
Claim that I rely on prayer,
But so easily I give in.

Wish I was turned off at this,
Angry at my sin;
But really I don’t care right now,
Entertaining thoughts within.
They tell me that I’m worth it,
Deserve attention I desire;
Whisper dark mendacity,
Deceit that I admire.
Will truth expose my foolishness-
From which I wish I would retire?
Somewhere deep down in my heart,
Don’t I long for something higher?

King Solomon in all his wisdom,
In Ecclesiastes tells me:
He chased after all the world to find
Nothing on earth holds value in eternity.
“I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
Their profit was my treasure.
And this was the reward for all my labor,
When I surveyed all my hands had done,
Everything was chasing after the wind,
Nothing gained under the sun.”

A Woman's Battle: What is Beauty?

I just want to be real,
who You designed me to be.
Lord I want to be something
surpassing a fading beauty.
I want them to stop-
these lies surrounding me,
so easily they sneak in
corrupting my body

They say I have to be perfect
Skinny. Tall. Flawless.
But is it all worth it?
Seeking after a prize
that cannot be attained;
"Mirror, mirror on the wall..."
but could I ever really be
the fairest of them all?

She smile's up at me
from the front page of my magazine.
Her teeth are white and straight,
but through them she lies to me.
"Try harder. You can't afford
to slow down."
So I speed up on the treadmill,
wipe the sweat off my brow.
I want to cry.
But I've got to be tough.
If I don't try real hard,
I may not be enough.
The world is fierce
and my heart longs for love;
but glance back at her image
and I don't measure up.
"Lord!" I cry out,
as emotions erupt.

5'9. Size 2. Rock hard abs.
Long hair. Great curves. Perfect smile.
I want everything she has.
She still stares at me from the cover.
5'1. Size 2. Not so perfect.
I stare at myself in the mirror.

This vanity disgusts me,
but I cannot get away
and loathing in self pity
seems my only escape.
Created in Your image
yet I bargain still with shame;
a goddess made of vapor
-and idol in Your place.

A gentleness presses on my heart
tells me it will be alright;
starts girding me with armor
helping me in this fight.
"You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me."
"You formed my inward parts.
In my mother's womb You knit me."
"I praise You for I am fearfully
and wonderfully made."
"For physical training is of some value
but godliness has value for all things,
holding promise for both
the present life, and the life to come."

Then strength rises within me
insecurities suppressed,
I breathe a sigh of relief
as I collapse in this rest.
He made me, and He's known me,
He called me to be His;
fights my battles with His sword
when I'm breaking down like this.
I don't know why He loves me
but His love will never die;
He paid the highest cost for me,
giving me His life.

What is beauty?
The world tells me
that after it, I must run.
But truth says that beauty comes
from the One I love.
He fervently pursued me,
covered me with grace;
when I think about Him
can't wipe this smile off my face =)

What am I chasing after,
that He cannot give to me?
Forgive me for my vain pursuit,
from these chains Lord, set me free.
I offer You my body-
in Your image, that's been made
with it I will serve You,
Your name on it engraved.
For, "charm is deceitful
and beauty is in vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord,
she shall be praised."

Road to Righteousness

*Inspired from the book of Ruth...quite possibly my favorite book of the Bible.

With the map of the world
I’ve set out on a quest,
Where can one find
The road to righteousness?

I’ve treaded thick water
But this sin holds me down
Gasped for fresh air
But I’m starting to drown
A life of mediocrity
Is what I’d settled for;
Eating mud pies for meals,
And sleeping on the floor.

A longing for romance-
To be swept off my feet
Waiting for prince charming,
When will we meet?
But I can’t do much better
Then what I’ve got now
On the same piece of land
I’ll keep pulling this plow.

Left and forgotten;
Widowed, bemoaned
I’m searching for something,
But I can’t find the road.
Hope is a companion
That I no longer know
Spend my days reaping barley
And bringing it home.

Then faith found a voice
And chance caused a stir
Directing me to proceed
Down to the threshing floor.
“Lie at his feet,
Humble yourself.
There’s a kinsman redeemer,
He can offer you help!”
Vulnerability,
Found beauty with
Forgiveness;
My whole heart as an offering
I couldn’t give less.
I can engage this grace;
Or keep step with the rest;
But I think I have found
The road to righteousness.

The fairy tale I had longed for
Pales in comparison to this;
He delivered me from poverty;
Established me as rich.
I don’t deserve Your mercy
So all You say I will do,
Forever consecrated,
Sanctified in You.
Now I have this promise-
I am His and He is mine.
For my life has been bought
With the precious blood of Christ.

So dear friend, if you hunger
For a life that’s more than this;
Leave your life of ordinary
And take this humble risk.
Opening His arms,
Victory and power already His;
God’s one and only Son
Paved the road to righteousness.

Walls

I think I’ve learned to mend my heart
With just glue and duct tape
Disappointment has struck its inmost parts;
Its wholeness has been raped.

You wonder why I build these walls
With brick and cement blocks;
But against strong storms
I must survive,
I need a solid rock.

What happens when a woman’s heart
For love anticipating,
Is told that it is not enough,
She’s wasted her time waiting?

This pain should not be present now
Forget the past once dated;
But these wounds and lies they still exist
Deep embedded and ingrained in-
The very makings of my heart
You may have found alluring;
But I wonder if they still exist
What is left you may find boring

I hate this world with all its lies
So simple and deceiving;
Take advantage of one’s hopefulness
Manipulate it to disbelieving.
Use me and abuse me
Stain me with your sin;
Then act like it didn’t happen
In front of others, just pretend.

So now they look down on me
Crediting me for what you did;
But you didn’t want to take the blame
So in your shame you hid.
The earth’s weight on my shoulders
Decisions must be made
Can’t I just be a young girl again?
Back in the 1st grade?
When I didn’t know what reality was
Where all I did was smile;
Sometimes I go there in my dreams
And rest there for awhile.
I just can’t do this on my own
Life’s a game I cannot win
Praise God I hear His loving voice
Beckoning me again.
“Come to me my beautiful child,
Let me hold you in my arms.
You know I want what’s best for you,
I’ll keep you safe from harm.
And with these trials
And inward storms-
Open your eyes, awake!
I’m transforming you more
Into the likeness of my Son
It’s all for my Name’s sake.”

A Woman's Heart

Tell me that I’m beautiful
Even if it’s not true;
I’m looking for my worth right now
Can it be found in you?

Tell me that you love me
Even if it’s through clenched teeth;
The silence now is deafening
I need some rest and peace.

Tell me that you need me
Like this drought needs the rain;
Hold me tight and kiss me
Take away this pain.

Tell me you’ll protect me
And always keep me safe;
That even for one day with me
You’d do whatever it takes.

Tell me that you want me
Like a traveler wants his home;
Look at me with loving eyes
Don’t let me be alone.

Tell me that I am enough
No other girl will do;
And your life was once forever changed
The day that I met you.

Tell me it’s forever
That you’re always here to stay;
Tell me you’ll come after me
If I ever run away.

Tell me that I’m beautiful
I need those words from you;
My heart is in your hands right now
Be careful what you do.

You Brought Me Home

In Chains there I was
Surrounded by cold and emptiness
sharp pains of hunger
carrying a world of heaviness
It was the place that for so long I had known
It just seemed easier
So I called it home.

Giving myself away
Into slavery I sold my soul
Did I not see that I was settling?
But I thought it was home.
thought if I was being used,
then I was wanted in some way.
I looked like everyone else,
but then they'd walk away.
Looking in the mirror
"I just have to try harder," I'd say.

I would always chase after them
but I was never enough
so I'd swallow the rejection
and convince myself I was tough.
Broken and shattered;
weary and alone
that's when I first realized
there's no way this was home.

I hit my knees, drowning in tears
I know I'm not supposed to
live life in fear.
But I'd gone too far, crossed the line
How could I expect You
to come back this time?
I had known You once,
and drank of Your love
But then I told You
that You weren't enough.
I didn't want to listen,
so I ran away.
Now I'm bitter and thirsty,
covered in shame.

Too far away
to reach for your throne
And I sure don't deserve it
So this has to be home.
Though it's hard and it's dark
and I feel so alone.

That's when You whispered
Your voice pierced the dark
"Arise my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone."

Rising slowly from the ashes
held by Your nail scarred hands
You allured me into the wilderness
and showed me Your land.
Then holding me tightly,
in the most tender tone
You said to me "My child,
I am bringing you home."

When I looked at Your heavens
the moon and stars You set in place;
I glanced at You sadly,
"You have made a mistake."
For I had turned to other gods
and loved the world's raisin cakes.

What am I that you would be mindful of me?
Who am I that you should care and love me?

So I tried to run
for that's all I know
But this time You held me
and didn't let go
speaking so softly, "beloved, thisis your home.
I am your Rock and your Fortress,
lay your head on My chest."
You showed me Who You are
and in You I found rest.

To escape Your presence- where can I go?
Forgive me my Father
for running from home.
You never stopped loving me
though I denied You were there;
How can I thank you for rescuing me
and bringing me here?

A life of obedience
is all I can give
You make up for what I lack
in this new life I live.
Now I sit in Your warmth,
still holding Your hand
but my heart breaks for those
who don't understand.
There are so many others
that are just like me
"Lord, won't you unveil their eyes?
Why can't they see?"
Looking into His loving, pain-filled face
I see that He knows,
and wants to show them His grace.
"Beloved, I will show you what to do
and where to go.
You must go and tell them
of how I brought you home."

For the rest of my days,
Lord this is what I will do
I will go to the nations,
making disciples for You.
Because Your blood was shed,
I labor not in vain.
You've already defeated the cross
that carries the world's pain.
And I know that You are with me
wherever I shall go
Until the sweet sweet day
I forever return home.

Discontentment & Philippians

So lately I’ve been feeling really down, and just kind of unhappy…discontent is a good word to describe how I’m feeling. The dictionary on here defines discontentment as “dissatisfaction…unhappiness…restlessness…” That pretty much hits the nail on the head. The weird thing is I’m doing really well spiritually- better than I have all year, in fact! Time with God has been a priority for me, and He has really been meeting with me and connecting with me. I feel close to Him, and He is teaching me a lot. But I am not doing well personally. I have never experienced such an extreme difference in the correlation between the two at one time. I guess I always assumed that if a person is doing well spiritually- then they will also be doing well personally; and that if someone is having a tough time personally, they must not be doing well spiritually. Apparently the opposite of each can co-exist.

As weird as it may sound, I am actually starting to like being at this place. Let me explain: when things are good in life and I enjoy myself; that is good- and a blessing from the Lord. At the same time, it can be a bit more difficult to stand on the fact that my abundant life is found in Christ- and not on these other things surrounding me. Being at this place I am right now, where I do not really like life so much- I have been clinging to Christ, and really experiencing what it means to find life in Him, & in God’s Word. It has truly been bringing peace and joy to my soul as I have been pressing into Him this week. It doesn’t erase the things in my life that I do not enjoy right now, but I can’t explain the high I feel, in the sense that He is so real to me and I am finding life fully in Him. A friend of mine always says to just “embrace” life whatever stage and whatever place you are in, and soak it for all it’s worth. If you’re lonely, take advantage of it as an opportunity to really depend on God and experience Him as Friend, Father, Comforter, Counselor, Refuge, and Strength.

Today my time in Philippians was really solid, as I felt that I could really relate to Paul. In the midst of writing this letter to the church in Philippi, Paul was in prison, for the sake of Christ. Surely, this is not an enjoyable place for Paul to be, but he has unstoppable joy in Christ. Paul finds his joy in the gospel being proclaimed, and the Kingdom of God being advanced. It really made me question- where do I find joy? Do I find it in temporary, earthly conditions, or do I find it in the furthering of God’s will? Here are some good “nuggets” from Philippians that I am clinging to today:

• “Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or death. For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” –Phil. 1:17-21
  -->Can I rejoice at any time in life, having eager expectation that Christ will always be honored in my body? Do I really view my life as Christ & purposed to serve Him, in a sense that death is gain in my mind, where I will finally be with Him?
• “And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”—Phil. 2:8
  -->I constantly need to be humbled, realizing my humanity in comparison to God’s goodness & glory. Am I willing to be obedient to God- no matter where that takes me, and what it costs me?
• “for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or questioning” –Phil. 2:13-14
  -->My life is for God’s good pleasure. It is Him who works in me, for the sake of His will. I have no right to complain or question Him. He is good, and all things are for His glory. What an undeserved privilege to be used for God’s will and His good pleasure!
• “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” –Phil. 3:14-16
• “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Phil. 4:7
• “…for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” –Phil. 4:11-12