The 5 Stages to Becoming a Coffee Drinker

I am sure that there are some people in the world who like the taste of a cup of coffee from the day they leave the womb. For the rest of us, however, it doesn't happen quite so quickly.

I was hanging out with my roommate Lauren a couple of days ago, when we stopped by the coffee shop across the street from our adorable little cottage in Carrboro for a morning cup of joe (cup of life, if you're like me...) I was surprised when Lauren bought a cup of coffee, because she normally does not partake in the morning brewing of coffee that Emily (my other roommate) and I participate in daily. Lauren explained that she has just recently started liking coffee from coffee shops, like Caribou or Starbucks, but she does not yet like home brewed coffee.

If you know me, you know how my brain works- this got me thinking. I thought back to my own process of becoming a coffee drinker. And here's what I discovered: there are usually 5 stages to becoming a coffee drinker. Let me enlighten you:

Stage 1: MochaLatteFrappucino
The first stage to becoming a coffee drinker is enjoying the fancy coffee mixed drinks: you know, the double whipped, caramel, chocolate, triple chunk mocha latte frappuchinos or what have you. You like to have a little bit of coffee with your sugar. Now, we all know that the mochalattefrappuchino drinkers are not yet real coffee drinkers- but they are getting their feet wet, as they are introduced to the wonderful flavor of coffee...

Stage 2: "Small Coffee with a shot of flavor please"
You know when a person has crossed over the 1st threshold and into the 2nd stage of becoming a coffee drinker, when they start saving money because they are no longer ordering the fancy dessert drinks. Instead of $5, their new drink of choice at Caribou costs them $2.10. $1.55 for a small cup of coffee, $.55 for a shot of flavor. And don't forget to add lots of cream and sugar! This person has begun to cross the line from faux-coffee drinker, to typical American that has to get up early in the morning...

At this stage, you are starting to get used to "coffee language." Your order may sound something like this, "I would like a skinny, light roast with room please." (translation: I would like a non-fat, light coffee blend with room for cream)

Stage 3: Warming up
In the 3rd stage to becoming a coffee drinker, the person no longer pays the $.55 extra for a shot of flavor in their coffee. They order a regular coffee- likely still adding a good amount of cream & sugar. This is the stage my roommate Lauren is at. You might be asking yourself, "why is this person not a full fledged coffee drinker yet? They're drinking regular coffee now." The difference, my friends, is that the person in the "Warming up" stage, will only order coffee every now and then, and they do not brew their own. It is not vital for them to get through their day, and they wouldn't know quite what to do with a coffee filter. They are simply warming up to the fact that coffee is goooooood.

Stage 4: Lifeline
When a person has crossed the bridge from Warming up to coffee, to coffee becoming something that they rely on- you know that they have become a true coffee drinker. The lifeline stage is when a person starts to drink coffee every morning- home brewed. When you need a Thermos to take coffee with you on the go, or you start to have your 2 favorite coffee mugs that you interchangeably drink from each morning, and you can't possibly imagine your life without it- you are probably a Lifeline coffee drinker.

Stage 5: Straight UP
The 5th and final stage to becoming a coffee drinker, is when you drink your coffee black. Straight up. You think that cream & sugar are for kids. You enjoy the bitter taste of coffee with no enhancements. You consider mochalattefrappuchinos to be coffee on steroids. You pity those who doctor up their coffee, b/c though you may never admit this aloud, you secretly think you are just a little bit better than they are...

At this stage, it is likely that you will drink any kind of coffee from anywhere if you are desperate. If it comes down to a dinky gas station in nowheresville, North Dakota that looks like it still lives in the 1940s- you don't care. If you have no other access to coffee- you'll take it.

It is also at this stage that you may have to brew an entire pot of coffee in the morning, so that you can take it with you during the day with a thermostat- refilling your coffee mug throughout your workday.


*Disclaimer: my disclaimer to this theory, is that there are always exceptions. Like I said, some may be born loving coffee. Some people may skip a stage or two in their journey to becoming a coffee drinker. However, based on observation and pure genius- I believe that this can be assumed to be the general process to becoming a coffee drinker.