Refuel Me

Do I have it in me today?
Don't think that I do.
I know I seem distant,
isolated from You.
Feeling inadequate,
want to give up;
lies screaming, "failure!
you're never enough."
But I feel like I'm trying,
want You by my side;
I just don't have it in me,
though I don't want to slide.

Sit here with Your word,
and a pen in my hand;
but it seems so exhausting-
attempting to understand;
the depths of Your thoughts
extent of Your grace;
so I sit here complacent,
stare at the page.
Try engaging my mind
and engaging my heart-
but both feel worn down,
don't know where to start.
And it feels like work,
because that's all I do;
an hour of wages?
or time spent with you?

Where is the romance?
I know it's not gone.
Joy that runs deeper,
not absent smile I put on.
"How was your day?
How can I care for you?"
But who cares for me?
question long overdue.
You "bind the broken heart"
heal the "crushed in spirit"-
Well, when will that day come?
appears I'm nowhere near it.

Do You hear what I am saying?
Does it even make sense?
Feels like I'm a zombie,
dreaming in past-tense;
when I wasn't in charge-
wasn't all on my shoulders;
in wisdom I've matured,
but passion has grown colder.

Is truth really all I need
to save me from the fire?
Seems I'm losing my grip,
because I'm feeling so...tired.
It's hot where I am hanging,
feel the stinging of the flames-
though I'm rebuking the attack,
by calling out Your name.
Guess it's what Paul meant-
saying for Your sake, we'll suffer;
it's starting to be real,
as life is getting tougher.

So will You be my anchor?
Please give me Your strength.
I'm begging and I'm pleading-
I can't give, if You won't take.
What's the point in sowing seeds,
if they won't end up watered?
Sounding like relief-
those who for faith had become martyrs.

Don't know how to end well,
because it seems it's all just started;
Paul says, "to live is Christ-"
well I'd rather be departed.
Forgive me for my cynicism,
waving a flag that claims defeat;
not usually pessimistic,
but I'm lacking so much sleep.
Know I'm a broken wretch
that You could've just thrown out;
Instead You offered living water,
made my life a spout.
Remind me of Your goodness,
put me in my place;
fix me and restore me,
Lord refuel me with Your grace.