Perspective

I close my eyes and smile
as I breathe in the salty air;
I look up at the sky
and I’m reminded You are here.
A sense of rest and peace,
that I’ve been wanting for so long;
I sink into serenity,
feel like nothing can go wrong.

I think back and reflect upon
the things I’ve said to You-
of how I’m tired and I’m weary,
feeling battered, beat and bruised.
And now I wonder to myself-
how long did I celebrate my pity?
Wallow in self-absorption-
a sight not ever pretty.
Long to be a reflection
of who You are and what You’ve done;
yet as soon as hard times hit,
I cower in defeat, or I just run.
So how are they supposed to see You?
If I don’t act like You are here?
They see my face covered in my hands,
sheltered in despair.

It almost rings of humor
when I think about it now;
Surrounded by Your blessings,
but things aren’t easy, so I pout.
When those around me really suffer
facing death and poverty;
people that are starving,
while I’m crying, “woe is me!”
I’m sorry that I whine,
while You try to show me love;
I argue and complain,
as if Your mercy’s not enough.
Now, as I drink in Your creation,
I see that there’s a bigger picture;
I see how small I am,
just one ingredient in the mixture.

But, you know- it’s so refreshing,
an accurate picture of who I am;
and who You are in all Your majesty,
working out Your mighty plan.
Nutrition to the soul,
seeing minuteness in the mirror;
pride’s death, it welcomes servitude,
that makes my purpose clearer.

Your patience overwhelms me,
as I see that I’m a mess;
You never let it stop You,
You never offer less
than everything You could ever give-
You sacrificed it all,
to welcome me into Your arms,
reverse the debt of the fall.
How can I ever thank You?
When clearly I’m unable,
to always walk in step-
my faith is rarely stable.
I always find myself
getting tripped up by these traps-
they always seem the same,
yet I let them form a gap
between the One who loves me most,
and my stubborn heart You cherish;
You don’t have to put up with this-
You could have let me perish.
Lord, thank You that You didn’t!
Mercy I will never fully grasp,
I cannot wait to see Your face,
and be with You at last…

Refuel Me

Do I have it in me today?
Don't think that I do.
I know I seem distant,
isolated from You.
Feeling inadequate,
want to give up;
lies screaming, "failure!
you're never enough."
But I feel like I'm trying,
want You by my side;
I just don't have it in me,
though I don't want to slide.

Sit here with Your word,
and a pen in my hand;
but it seems so exhausting-
attempting to understand;
the depths of Your thoughts
extent of Your grace;
so I sit here complacent,
stare at the page.
Try engaging my mind
and engaging my heart-
but both feel worn down,
don't know where to start.
And it feels like work,
because that's all I do;
an hour of wages?
or time spent with you?

Where is the romance?
I know it's not gone.
Joy that runs deeper,
not absent smile I put on.
"How was your day?
How can I care for you?"
But who cares for me?
question long overdue.
You "bind the broken heart"
heal the "crushed in spirit"-
Well, when will that day come?
appears I'm nowhere near it.

Do You hear what I am saying?
Does it even make sense?
Feels like I'm a zombie,
dreaming in past-tense;
when I wasn't in charge-
wasn't all on my shoulders;
in wisdom I've matured,
but passion has grown colder.

Is truth really all I need
to save me from the fire?
Seems I'm losing my grip,
because I'm feeling so...tired.
It's hot where I am hanging,
feel the stinging of the flames-
though I'm rebuking the attack,
by calling out Your name.
Guess it's what Paul meant-
saying for Your sake, we'll suffer;
it's starting to be real,
as life is getting tougher.

So will You be my anchor?
Please give me Your strength.
I'm begging and I'm pleading-
I can't give, if You won't take.
What's the point in sowing seeds,
if they won't end up watered?
Sounding like relief-
those who for faith had become martyrs.

Don't know how to end well,
because it seems it's all just started;
Paul says, "to live is Christ-"
well I'd rather be departed.
Forgive me for my cynicism,
waving a flag that claims defeat;
not usually pessimistic,
but I'm lacking so much sleep.
Know I'm a broken wretch
that You could've just thrown out;
Instead You offered living water,
made my life a spout.
Remind me of Your goodness,
put me in my place;
fix me and restore me,
Lord refuel me with Your grace.

Collapse

Will You pick up the pieces
if I just fall apart?
Think I'm going to collapse-
for rest my soul is parched.
My body even aches,
I'm tired and I'm weak;
this exhaustion in my heart...
I think I've hit the peak.

Feel the need for an escape
in this calling, I'm alone;
find myself lost in my flesh
and calling it my home.
Depending on myself, not You
to get me through each day-
I incessantly grow faint
as I wish my time away...
I long for understanding,
in someone to confide-
But I hold back signs of weakness,
in bondage to my pride.

This feels like it's too heavy-
too high a price to pay;
This race is too severe-
finish line's so far away.
Can't get out of bed,
yet even there I cannot sleep;
After each long day of sowing seeds
no harvest yet to reap.
Comfort unattainable,
don't know what else to do
I reach, I cry, I ask-
yet still don't feel close to You.

Give me true perception,
genuine understanding of You.
I'm falling in deception,
desiring credit for what I do.
I'm sitting on the throne,
pushing You back onto the cross;
counting my life and ability as gain-
and all You offer, loss.
It wears hard on my soul
when I look to it for relief
it brings me to this breaking point
bound up in this grief.

Lord, I'm just so tired.
Rest is a long lost friend.
When will I find tranquility,
safe in Your hands again?
You say "Come to me, all who are weary
and I will give you rest;"
Lord, can I ask You to show me that,
put You to the test?
"Take my yoke upon you,
I am gentle and humble in heart,"
Have I not taken it upon me?
When does liberation start?
"For my yoke is easy
and my burden it is light."
You make it sound so simple,
yet I toss and turn all night.

I guess what I am saying-
I surrender yet again;
I know that I create a rift
when I live by my own plans.
But I want You and I need You
I have nothing left to give;
How can I go on and work,
when fatigue makes it hard to live?
Please come down and sweep me up,
save me from what I do.
At least do something through this rut
that brings glory back to You.

Vulnerability

Better to be guarded
than to give yourself away,
vulnerability is alluring
but she takes protection's place.
Sometimes she will soften you,
bring others to her arms;
but sometimes she will rob you-
til you're exposed and left unarmed.

I want to open up-
but will you find me captivating?
What if it's too much,
and instead you're left debating...
wondering if you really want me,
intrigued by this heart's depth;
or if you cannot handle it
and you have nothing left.

She's screaming deep within me
saying, "please just take my hand."
But who can take that on?
It requires quite a man.
But nothing hurts me worse
then when she's left out on the street;
feeling like she's not enough,
sinking in defeat.
Some tell her that she's worth it,
don't let this bring you down-
but why would she try to swim again,
when all she does is drown?
There's something that is gentle
and soothing in her voice,
but then she lets
the wrong ones in-
is it naivety or choice?

I want so bad to trust her,
but she always trips me up;
makes me so distracted,
feel I never measure up.
Her love affair with attention
is poison to my bones;
a fatal kind of attraction
that makes me feel alone.

So maybe I'll just lock her up,
throw away the key.
I'll miss her, and I'll mourn her
but then I'll be set free.
Free from the rejection,
and disappointment she attracts;
I'll lose all my emotion,
but logic I'll gain back.
Excitement fades away
but hurt will no longer visit;
an armor granting safety
of a heart once on exhibit