Confusion

Shut the Good book,
confusion sinks in;
I can no longer look
at the pages within.
Doesn't make sense,
this God that I see
in the Old Testament-
can't be the One who saved me.

Look at this violence
graphic and gory;
concubines, war-
Lord, this is Your story?
Where are you in of all this?
Not acting as I thought You would;
Your silence; Israel's celebration-
seems You're condoning it as good.

Still can't open it,
now it's been a few days;
I know that You love me
but I don't understand Your ways.
I've heard it taught-
Christ reveals all of who You are;
So what I read in 2 Samuel
strikes me a bizarre.
My soul, it feels conflicted-
puzzle pieces don't fit;
am I trying to fit you in the wrong mold
and just need to submit?

Terrified to question
who You say You are;
From Your good graces-
I don't want to be far.
I know You still love me,
and allow me some space;
Your work in my life
I could never replace.
I know that You're good,
I know that You're Lord;
But still wrestling with how different You seem here
than the One I adored.
Father give me mercy,
help me understand;
Your ways are much better
than any thoughts of man.

2 Samuel 22- comfort to my mind,
water to my soul,
redemption here I find!
A Rock and a Fortress,
Deliverer, Shield;
beginning now to see
Your glory revealed.
Stronghold, Savior,
Worthy, Support;
Your image, I'm guilty
of trying to distort.
Worthy and Gentle,
Lamp in the darkness;
my character, not Yours
is the one that's a mess.

You hear, You devour,
Thunder in Your voice;
You save and bring out of trouble;
hell only comes with choice.
You sent out arrows,
sent from on high;
Rescued Your people,
pursuing Your bride.
Dealt according to righteousness,
Rewarded the clean;
Show mercy, give blamelessness-
and I thought You were mean?
Seem torturous to the wicked,
but the humble You save;
You prove to be true,
exalting Your name.
You set us secure,
You train and give peace;
equipping Your saints,
inward battle at ease.
You make enemies slip,
but deliver Your own;
to keep us in You
even left Your own throne.
These aren't just ancient stories
to which my doubting gives-
Because now, today, forever-
This mighty God, He lives!

By the water,
that's where it all makes sense.
The quiet ripples in the low tide,
movement matching the song of the cardinal beside me.
Everything is right as it should be.
Here I face, You.
Thought I would have much more to say;
Like coffee with an old friend.
I'm intimidated by the silence.
Where is my soul?
Somewhere in the busy thoughts,
worldly endeavors, sights cast on the future-
I left it behind.
Like the box of paper plates when I moved.
Thought I would refuel;
Like the water,
I would be made right-
moving only because
You made me to-
my movement singing
Your praise.
But it appears I am in the way.
I am in the way of me,
a clone blocking my sight.
Like a mirror before me,
broken image I worship.
What would it take?
I'm afraid to ask.
Scared of what I might need to
let go of.
Scared of what it requires;
of the scars that may be revealed.
Comfortable.
Why do You always move me out of that?
You know I don't handle change well.

I look at these houses around me.
On the one hand, serenity.
Closeness to the water,
everything is right.
On the other, cowardice.
Abandoning courage to fight.
And in the end?
The water continues to dance,
as the lives filled with my obsessions
turn to dust.
And for what?

Press forward. Follow through.
Finish well.
Bring me back to the water;
wash me in her tide.
Every time I visit, I need new life.
Don't just remind me,
hold me.
Make my path straight.
Give me back my courage;
gird me with Your strength.
When I'm eighty and fragile,
I want to look at the water and know,
her movement and resilience
reflect my lifelong soul.
That each day I thirsted,
You quenched and I praised;
That each day I fell at Your feet,
Oh Ancient of Days.

Something Steady

Cling to the metal bar,
holding my breath;
starting to ascend,
which just means down is coming next.
Knots tighten in my stomach
rationality gone,
I dread this roller coaster
I'm always riding on.

Magnificent altitude,
as if I'm on cloud nine;
when I'm sitting at the top,
my excitement freezes time.
So happy in love.
A check in the mail.
Big grin on my face,
optimism prevails.
Love what I do,
don't care what it costs;
passion renewed,
for reaching the lost.
Then one thing goes wrong,
I'm losing my high;
crashing the plane
my enthusiasm flies.
Roller coaster descends,
faster than expected!
And I cannot pretend,
cynicism's been detected.
My body, it aches
as the flame dwindles out;
dimming my faith
and exposing my doubt.

What I would give
to ride on a train;
one steady track-
not an energy drain.
Move at the same speed
throughout the whole ride;
adrenaline won't peak,
buy anxieties subside.
Safe and comfortable,
with space between rows;
not hanging onto handlebars,
openly exposed.

Grab onto what I can
to find some constancy;
though blessings they don't help much
on a ride with so much speed.
Good thing that they don't,
they were never meant to be
my anchor or the source
to calm or set me free.

Truth that speaks louder
than weary eyes can see;
there is, in fact, an answer
that's not complacency.
Wonderfully familiar,
constant, faint beat-
the heart of the Rock
steady underneath my feet.